The Voice Of Judgment
That voice in your head that judges everything you do, is it truly yours?
I find myself constantly judging myself, and as the days go by, I become stricter. Judgment ranges from all parts of life, and it could be pretty crippling. Recently I decided to pay more attention to the voice of judgment that would not stop at just scolding me but also make me feel like the worst version of myself that would ever walk the earth. I realised that they were all different voices, depending on the situation. Call me crazy, but even my future self is part of my torment. On days when I am not productive, I feel like a failure because there is this image I have of where I should be, but not am and not doing anything to get there. However, here is my theory: the future voice will always be there. The future plays simultaneously as the now and will find a way to adjust its past, which is our present, to fit into what should be. Meaning, as long as there is a tomorrow for us, this voice will always be there.
Another voice torments my body. It takes a deep look at my face, inspecting all pores and folds, before going down to the belly and thighs. This voice has emerged into mine, but the words that come out is never what I would typically say. I use terms used on me, or I observed being used on other people. The look at the person in the mirror starts with disgust, then follows by bashing words. After putting myself down, I console myself, this time with my voice, assuring myself everything will be fine as I coin out unimaginable delusional plans to better my situation. Other voices include the voice of morals. As humans, there are general moral metrics we all follow that instinctively knows right from wrong. Still, there are societal, ethical standards that if we do not follow suit, we get judged by everyone, including ourselves. These societal moral standards have made us as a people box away from humans like you and me for the most stupid reasons, (A woman was shamed in front of the whole church on a Sunday for getting pregnant out of wedlock (sincerely hope she went for therapy)). The most annoying voice of them all is the one that makes one feel like an alien-like you do not belong here. Somehow you try to convince yourself that you are just different, sometimes, you think you are better for not following the flock, and sometimes you feel you missed out on life and do not understand how everyone is living their lives and you are stuck in one place. You convince yourself you are the idiot that leads and not the one that follows, but the truth is, you are just fine. You are perfect, I am perfect, and I am not writing this to motivate you, be stuck if you want to. You will get out at the right time. An Igbo adage says: “When a man wakes up, is his morning”. I am writing this to let you know it is time to put that voice or those voices in check! Study them and understand where they are coming from, figure out your opinion of those situations, and have a conversation with yourself.
The main message is, you are fine. Take a deep breath and analyse where you are and where you want to be, not based on what you see but what you truly want.
P.S. When you judge someone, observe if it is because you judge yourself so much, and secondly, do you have a right to do that? Like honestly, do you?
Sincerely,
Onye Kachi?
